Raising Lillian

The aroma of ink and toner from freshly xeroxed papers overwhelmed me as I strolled by a small business downtown. Reminiscent of the aromas from my days spent printing spreads for design classes, I remembered how much I loved the smell of newly printed pages. A fit of jealousy grabbed a hold of me as I gazed at the giant windows and exposed brick walls. It was my dream office.

I was pushing my baby in the stroller while walking downtown when a flurry of questions roamed my head. Questions like, "What would I be doing if I didn't move to Georgia?" "Where would I be had I chosen a career over love?" Years spent acquiring skills to better my future have gone unused and often forgotten. Time spent well, but was it wasted? 

A tiny figment of regret stirred inside me, just briefly, until I remembered the indecisive college student I used to be. I could never decide on one career, one major. I had too many passions and none seemed to fill this empty void residing in my heart.

You see, I chose 8 different majors in college, but the only thing that has remained constant throughout my life has been my desire to have a family...to embark on a journey that brings joy and life into this world.

If we are called to live gloriously, joyfully, for God, then I believe the only way to achieve this is by living according to his will. For the first time in my life, I can say I feel complete-full of joy, love, life. I feel I am exactly where God wants me to be, pursuing his beautifully orchestrated plan. A plan that far surpasses any plan I attempted to design for myself. My family is my purpose, a purpose I spent long nights searching for in college. The battle inside me is gone. Someday I may pursue a career, but as of right now I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. Raising Lillian.

At just one month shy of a year ago, Joshua spoke these words to me, "When we make a plan, God laughs." That night we decided to wait a few years to have a baby.

The next day I found out I was pregnant.

From now on, my only plan is to follow in the path of the One who makes all things work together for my good.