I rest, too.

I placed you in your swing in front of a window and you calmed down.

Ms. Mabel decided to bother you and you flipped out.

You finally calmed down and I put you in the pack and play. It's your first time to sleep in there.

You sleep.

You've been crying so much that there's not been a lot of sleeping around here for me or for you. Today, I celebrate. You slept and you are asleep now. 

There are days where it's really hard to deal with your crying. I spend those days just holding you so you don't scream. I feel like I'm losing control of my house since I spend my days holding you. The moments like now where I do get you to nap...I rest, too, even though I should be getting things done around the house. 

Before you, silence would fill my house daily. A lot of times, in the silence, I'd hear God whisper. So today I rest and listen for his whisper and hope for some peace. 

March 12 - A little gypsy

Miss Lily has been traveling a lot lately. About two weeks after we returned from our trip to Nashville, we had to drive back up to Nashville then up to Chicago for my grandfather's funeral.

She is such a good traveler considering the amount of time she spent in the car. A regular gypsy she is.

My grandparents left a huge legacy to this world: 7 children, 17 grandchildren and 23 great-grandchildren.

The amount of lives my grandfather touched with his ability to share the word of God to anyone is mind-blowing...just imagine what his children and grandchildren could do. He certainly took being a follower of Christ seriously and used any opportunity to share, whether it was sharing God's word with a real estate client or someone at a restaurant.

I wish I could be so bold. I wish I could strike up a random conversation with a client that could potentially plant a seed that could change a life. Because that is what God has called us to do.

 

Lillian is roughly 4 months & 3 weeks.
I cannot believe how quickly she is growing. At first, it seemed like she was going to be in newborn clothing forever! Now she is outgrowing her clothes weekly.

Just yesterday she was:

 And could barely fit into her carseat. Now he head fits between the side cushions on it. :(

I start to get emotional when I think about how quickly she is changing. But I also get excited at the new things she is learning.

She smiles and laughs all of the time. She is so close to sitting up. She loves to grab things and pick things up. She started eating some solid veggies. She is learning to manipulate me with her crying, but I can tell the difference between real and fake cries.

Such a big girl now.

Raising Lillian

The aroma of ink and toner from freshly xeroxed papers overwhelmed me as I strolled by a small business downtown. Reminiscent of the aromas from my days spent printing spreads for design classes, I remembered how much I loved the smell of newly printed pages. A fit of jealousy grabbed a hold of me as I gazed at the giant windows and exposed brick walls. It was my dream office.

I was pushing my baby in the stroller while walking downtown when a flurry of questions roamed my head. Questions like, "What would I be doing if I didn't move to Georgia?" "Where would I be had I chosen a career over love?" Years spent acquiring skills to better my future have gone unused and often forgotten. Time spent well, but was it wasted? 

A tiny figment of regret stirred inside me, just briefly, until I remembered the indecisive college student I used to be. I could never decide on one career, one major. I had too many passions and none seemed to fill this empty void residing in my heart.

You see, I chose 8 different majors in college, but the only thing that has remained constant throughout my life has been my desire to have a family...to embark on a journey that brings joy and life into this world.

If we are called to live gloriously, joyfully, for God, then I believe the only way to achieve this is by living according to his will. For the first time in my life, I can say I feel complete-full of joy, love, life. I feel I am exactly where God wants me to be, pursuing his beautifully orchestrated plan. A plan that far surpasses any plan I attempted to design for myself. My family is my purpose, a purpose I spent long nights searching for in college. The battle inside me is gone. Someday I may pursue a career, but as of right now I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. Raising Lillian.

At just one month shy of a year ago, Joshua spoke these words to me, "When we make a plan, God laughs." That night we decided to wait a few years to have a baby.

The next day I found out I was pregnant.

From now on, my only plan is to follow in the path of the One who makes all things work together for my good.

How he loves...

During this trip you learned to smile. You have proceeded to manipulate me with it during your 3AM feedings. Good thing you learned how to do that, too, because I was about to go crazy with the lack of sleep. I can't get mad when you flash that smile at me! :-)

You were spoiled rotten with books and toys and clothes! Sadly, you will have no recollection of your first Christmas or what you received. As thankful as I am for those presents, I hope you will remember at future Christmases how loved you are. It's not about the presents. It's about the baby Jesus, the Prince of Peace...and how he loves us. Oh how he loves us.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us unconditionally, he knows our faults, yet he still loves us. I hope you never forget the love he has for you. The love a parent has for their child is modeled after the way God loves his children...unconditionally.

Turn negatives into positives

Today I took some photos of you and I together. You cooperated for most of the session. Then you had a meltdown. I was glad to finally get some good shots of your face. Generally, you bury it in a pillow on the bed so I can't see it.

We spent the day doing typical things...cleaning, laundry, lunch with your daddy at Panera, running errands. You do so well with us toting you around town.

Monday you will go on your first road trip with me. I hope and pray that it won't be stressful or raining. It always rains when I drive to Nashville.

Quality time with Lillian

Happy baby/sad baby

Big Blue Eyes

7 weeks old & lifting head up!

Of course it's not a photo shoot with Lillian without screaming!

Every day people come up to me and tell me how beautiful you are. Even your dad said the other night that you keep getting cuter every day. I like to tease him and say that you are going to be a gorgeous artist. He likes to say if that's the case, then you'll be poor. He wants you to be smart and successful. I hope for all of the above.

Ultimately, I hope, with whatever career you choose, that you will be persistent. Don't let someone tear you down or destroy your dreams. Always take the negative and turn them into positives. Creative minds tend to take things personally. It's hard not to, but don't let the thoughts of "not being good enough" get inside your head. Life is too short to spend it worrying about what other people think of you.

I have learned in the past year to not look at what other peers say about my work or about me. They do not know my heart. I also learned to not look at other peers' work. I just do my own thing now and I really don't care if I'm the best in the business. In my industry, it's easy to blog-stalk other peers and either copy their work or get feelings of inadequacy from seeing it. I'm not creating art for them...I'm trying to use my talents to glorify God. I pray that is what you do with your life. Use your talents wisely and glorify God with them.

Train called life...

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

As I sit here and watch your perfectly created face sleep, I'm thinking back 10 months ago when I found out I was pregnant with you. It was a big shock, but I never thought of you as a mistake. You were perfectly planned and knitted in my womb by God.

I was terrified of labor and delivery. I was terrified of being a mom. I was terrified that I was not in control. I had no choice in what you would look like, what gender you are, what you will be when you get older or how healthy you are.

The only choices I have are in how I raise you and love you unconditionally. I was watching the Today Show this morning. There was a lady on there who had a daughter that has autism and is deaf. It never crossed her mind that her daughter may never hear her voice or be able to speak when she was pregnant. It made me think about how I have no control over your life. I can control certain things, but it's ultimately God who is driving this train called life.

People kept telling me to pray for a healthy baby and pray for a healthy pregnancy. I kept saying that I wanted a healthy baby and pregnancy, but I was praying for God's will with this pregnancy. How selfish could I be to want something other than his perfect plan for my life? Praying or wanting anything other than that would mean that I don't trust him.

2 Samuel 22:31 This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

We need to quit demanding things in life. While I would never wish anything terrible on any child, God can use any situation to glorify him and how selfish can we be to take that glory away from him.  Lily, God chose you to be a girl born to your father and I. He chose a path for your life. I pray you follow him. I pray you live according to his will. Don't seek after your own selfish desires. Accept and be grateful for what he has blessed you with and the plan he has for your life.

The Pathway

Whisper

I'm reading a new book about God whispering to us. I've really been struggling with what God wants me to do with my life. I'm not used to having a baby as a variable in my life.

The first chapter hit me. If we listen to God's whisper, he can use any variable in our life to bring him glory.

I'm learning I'm not in control. I just need to listen to God's whisper when it comes and I will find peace in my life.

I also need to accept that God can whisper one thing, and then later on lead me somewhere else. It doesn't mean I failed the first time, it just means that he was preparing me for something greater.

Such beautiful words written in this hymn:

Hushed was the evening hymn,
The temple courts were dark;
The lamp was burning dim
Before the sacred ark;

When suddenly a voice divine
Rang through the silence of the shrine.
The old man, meek and mild,
The priest of Israel, slept;

His watch the temple child,
The little Levite, kept;
And what from Eli’s sense was sealed
The Lord to Hannah’s son revealed.

O give me Samuel’s ear,
The open ear, O Lord,
Alive and quick to hear
Each whisper of Thy Word,
Like him to answer at Thy call,
And to obey Thee first of all.

O give me Samuel’s heart,
A lowly heart, that waits
Where in Thy house Thou art,
Or watches at Thy gates;
By day and night, a heart that still
Moves at the breathing of Thy will.

O give me Samuel’s mind,
A sweet unmurm’ring faith,
Obedient and resigned
To Thee in life and death,
That I may read with child like eyes
Truths that are hidden from the wise. 

-James D. Burns

I love the part that says "By day and night, a heart that still moves at the breathing of Thy will."

I will wait for you...

I'm working on figuring out some things in my life. I'm stuck between my former free spirited independent self and being a mom with a baby that will depend on me for everything. I'm super ready to take on my new role. It's hard to figure out what I can balance alongside my new role. Once I get in the swing of being a new mom, I think I'll get a better idea of my future.

I don't like quitting and I don't like failing, so I don't want to start something new if I cannot fully commit to it. Lily has slowly changed me and made me realize that success means nothing if I don't take the time out to care for her. When God asks me one day, "What did you do with what I gave you?" I want to be able to say that I took the greatest gift he gave me and loved her, took time to care for her and raised her to be a loving woman of God. I'd hate to stand there in front of him and say, "I used my creativity you blessed me with to make as much money as possible so I can have nice things." I think I can share my talents with her. I don't have to share them with everyone in the world...because I think she will become my world.

I will wait for you, Lillian, to make these decisions about my future...

Dear Lillian, Break Free from my sin

Dear Lillian,

I've been reading a book called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. There was an excerpt in the book from a book by Gilda Radner called It's Always Something

When I was little, Dibby told me a story about her cousin who had a dog – just a mutt – and the dog was pregnant. I don’t know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawnmower and her two back legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet who said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want. But the puppies are OK – she’ll be able to deliver the puppies.

Dibby’s cousin said, "keep her alive."

So the vet sewed up her backside and over the next week that dog learned how to walk. She didn’t spend any time worrying; she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping up her backside and then taking two more steps and flipping up her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and then weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.

The bible says in Exodus 20:5

"You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me..."

 In the book I'm reading, she mentions that God isn't saying you will be punished for my sins, but rather you will be affected by my sins. The choices I make, whether good or bad, will have a direct impact on you and your children. If I become an alcoholic...you obviously will be affected. If I spend money frivolously...you will learn to be careless with money, too. If I speak jealously of others...you will learn to be the same way.

I pray that I am a good example for you. I pray that I don't let me sins and struggles affect you. I need to break free from my sin so I may be an honorable mother.

Dear Lillian, Honor God with your lips

Dear Lillian,

I'm realizing that no matter how hard I try, there are just some people that cannot be satisfied.

There will come a time in your life where you will pour your heart and soul into a project, and maybe you fail according to others' standards and expectations. I want you to remember not to give up. Satan will use all of the negativity to bring you down. He will try to get to you by saying you're not good enough. Know that you are good enough. Know that if you are following God's plan for your life...then you are exactly where you should be. The dissatisfaction from other people often springs from a dissatisfaction with their own life. They are unhappy with themselves, therefore they push that on other people.

We never know what's really going on in a person's heart. Only God does. If you perform the best you can and do it honorably...then you did nothing wrong.

Give people grace. Forgive them. Love them. Honor God with your heart AND your mouth.

"'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." 
-Matthew 15:8

“When I am consumed by my problems-stressed out about my life, my family, and my job-I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice.”
― Francis Chan

Dear Lillian, invest your love

Dear Lillian,

It's so easy to get caught up in worldly things. Society equates nice things to success.

Life is not about fancy cars and big houses. It's not about 7 figure incomes and designer hand bags. Always remember that the eye can be deceiving. We never know what's going on inside of a person. They could be maxing out credit cards to "keep up with the Jones'."

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har
har har, har har

awake my soul...
awake my soul...

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
awake my soul...
awake my soul...
awake my soul...
For you were made to meet your maker

Where we invest our love, we invest our life. Don't spend your life investing in material possessions that you love. 

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

-Jonah 2:8

Francis Chan said:  “Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.”

Don't spend your life, your money, your love succeeding at things that don't really matter.

Dear Lillian, I saw your beautiful feet today...

I had the anatomy ultrasound today and they said you looked perfectly healthy. It seems like you have my feet.

I think about those feet often when you kick inside my stomach...
I often wonder when I'll be able to hold those little feet. When will you take your first steps? I think about painting your toes and future trips to get pedicures together. I think about the pidder padder of them running through the house. I think about how you'll try on my oversized heels and stomp around in them. I think about the times you'll run to me when you're hurt. I think about you learning to kick in the water. I think about taking you to get new shoes for the first day of school. I think about the times you'll stomp up the stairs mad. About gym shoes, high heels and even prom shoes. I think about you walking out the door on your first date. Or those little feet walking across the stage at your high school graduation. I think about those feet stepping in your wedding gown and walking down the aisle at your wedding.

I see those little feet in the picture and I see an entire future. Lillian, I pray you use those feet to follow Christ, to walk away from harm and evil, and to honor God with all that you do. Use your beautiful feet to serve God with your talents.

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

Dear Lillian, you have a purpose

Dear Lillian,

I woke up today exhausted and not feeling well. I went to church and was feeling very dizzy and nauseous. I started to throw myself a pity party about being sick and pregnant during the hottest months of the year.

While waiting in line in the restroom, I overheard a conversation between a pregnant woman and another woman. The one lady asked if this was the pregnant lady's first child. She replied, "No, it's my fourth and I'm about to pop!" The other lady was stunned and asked if she planned to have any more children. The pregnant lady said, "Well, I found out I have cervical cancer and have to have a hysterectomy and go through chemotherapy after I deliver, so it won't be possible to have any more children." The other lady was stunned and said she was sorry that lady has to endure cancer while pregnant. The pregnant lady replied, "It's not a burden! If it wasn't for this baby I wouldn't have found out about the cancer in time. This baby saved my life. There was a purpose for this baby."

I stopped my pity party right there.

It made me realize that you have a purpose in life. A purpose perfectly planned out by God. You may never know your purpose while you live on earth. Some people's lives are still impacting others even after they are long gone. I pray that you follow God's plan for your life.

You may have been a surprise baby, but God planned out the exact time for you to be born. I know He is going to do big things with your life. Love him, honor him and follow him with every bit your life.

-Me.

Dear Lillian, honor God with your talents

Dear Lillian,

It's a sad reality to face, but people are always going to copy others. When I was a senior in high school, we had to write a short children's story for our English class. I always loved creative writing and had written several children's stories for different classes throughout high school. One of my stories was "A Hug from a Slug" that I wrote for my child development class. When our assignment was due for my senior English class, I overheard a girl sitting next to me bragging about how she stole a book from another class that someone else had written and it was about a bug that wanted a hug. I knew it was my book that she stole. I went to the teacher that I originally wrote the book for and asked if she still had it on the shelf. Of course it was missing. I didn't want to make a big deal about the book, so I asked her to kindly report the book missing. Needless to say, when the girl turned the book in she got a big fat ZERO and suspended for plagiarism.

There will be a time in your life where someone will copy something that you worked hard on. It's heartbreaking. I pray that you will use the talents God gave you to serve others and glorify him. Your talents are NOT about YOU! Don't try to be like other people. Strive to pursue a life that seeks after God. If you spend your life copying others to further yourself, what will you gain? Emptiness.

Matthew 16:26:
²⁶ What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? ²⁷ For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.

 Lillian, life is beautiful. Live it being a God-honoring person.

-Me